Affair Recovery

Preventing Affairs

It is getting to be that time of year.  Each day seems busier and busier.  And busy can sometimes mean more stress.  If you are struggling in your relationship then add even more stress to the equation.  Amidst all the business I wanted to make sure I took a few minutes to write a little bit about affair prevention.  I know I spend a lot of time writing about prevention but there is some important information about preventing affairs that I really want people to know.

Lynne Atwater, author of books on infidenltiy, found that for women who seem to be "progressing" slowly toward having an affair, a big influence is whether or not their friends have had affairs and whether they are talking about it.  So, if a woman is attracted to someone, or has already begun contemplating having an affair she is much more likely to continue further down that road if she has a friend who has had an affair and talks about it in a positive way.  The woman then begins to feel as if itis maybe not such a big deal and it may be worth it.  She may even start to feel she deserves to be treated well by a lover since her husband seems not to. 

If you've been stung by an affair once or you are teetering on the edge yourself, be aware how you may be influenced by the women around you.

Blessings,

Barbara

Though almost all couples tend to scoff at the idea that either partner in their pair will have an affair when they walk down the isle, we know that sad truth.  Anywhere from 30-40 percent of married people have an affair.  That may seem really shocking. But there it is.  There are certain things partners can be aware of and do/not do to help make it a lot less likely that one partner or the other will have an affair.  Today, I want to

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs

Myth #9:  People have affairs because they are not getting enough sex in their marriage.

Truth:  The person having the affair is usually the one who was least interested in sex and is giving the least in the marriage.

It is a very common and longstanding misconception that people stray because they need extra on the side since they are not getting enough at home.  The truth is that the majority of people who have affairs were the ones who were least interested in the sexual part of the marriage not only after the affair started but before the affair started.  In fact, they are usually the one that gives the least in the marriage in other ways, as well, not just in sexual ways.

When someone is giving relatively to the life of the marriage it is often because they are not all that invested for one reason or another.  Now, the reason may be that the just don't know how to give in a relationship and are maybe not even aware that they are NOT giving.  What they do become aware of is that they are not feeling connected and not getting a lot out of the relationship without necessarily realizing this is because they are not giving and are not invested.  This makes them vulnerable to going outside of the marriage for emotional closeness and an affair develops.

Often the spouse who is not straying has been the one who has been trying to turn up the sexual heat in the relationship often to just be rebuffed.

Until next time....

blessing,

Barbara

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs

Myth #8:  Emotional Affairs (when there has been no sexual involvement) are not really affairs.

Truth:  Emotional Affairs are and can be just as devestating as affairs where there is sexual involvement. 

Empotional affairs may not be considered as taboo in our society but as far as the marriage or relationship go they are still doing a great deal of damage.  First, the "cheated" on partner is hurt and angry because there is still a sense of being betrayed.  "You are sharing and talking about your thoughts and feelings with her and not with me."  This still puts the "betrayed" spouse on the outside and being left out of a new bond.  That is the betrayal.  And for women, emotional affairs are often more hurtful than if their spouse is having a sexual encounter that doesn't have any emotional ties. 

Also, anything can really be as harmful as an affair.  If you are pulling your energy out of the marriage and investing it in someone else whether there is sexual involvement or not you are putting someone else before your spouse.  The marriage suffers and the spouse suffers.  If one partner is playing golf every spare minute outside of work that is also damaging to a marriage in a similar way as an affair is.  It may not feel like a betrayal but there is a pulling energy and investment out of the marriage and putting it toward something else.

Often people end up going down a road but don't realize it because emotional affair (like sexual affairs) often begin with friendships usually at work.  A big red flag is if you find yourself not telling your partner about your friend or about what you and your "friend" are talking about.  Now you have something to worry about.  If you find yourself thinking, she'd be mad (or he'd be mad) but "we're just friends" know you are in dangerous territory.  If you ever find yourself justifying a relationship with the words "we're just friends" either to yourself or to your spouse you have probably already crossed a line and maybe you aren't even aware of it yet.  That phrase should give you pause to stop and really think about what is really going on between the two of you.

Until next time,

Blessings,

Barbara

Affair Recovery: Rebuilding After an Affair -- What to Tell Children

Rebuilding after an affair can be complicated.  Though you may both be sincere in your commitment to rebuild your marriage there often so many unintended consequences after an affair.  It can be staggering to realize just how many areas of your life end of effected -- things you wouldn't have thought of until you are kind of hit with them.

One big area that may have to be dealt with during your affair recovery is what to tell the children.  As a general rule, children should be told as little as possible about an affair.  But, let me go into a little more detail and explanation about that.  First, an exception giving as little information as you can is if 1.) The kids have heard you and your spouse openly fighting about the affair and have already heard something or 2.)  If they are likely to read it in the newspaper or hear about it from an outside source.  Let me just say, though, that even in this circumstance you want to give as little information as possible.  Let them know that mom or dad got too friendly with someone else but they have realized they still love the other parent and that the two of you are working to get along better or be happier together.  Let them also know you both still love the children and that the problem is a grownup problem and doesn't have to do with the kids.

When telling children about an affair it is so important not to tell them they have to keep a big secret.  That places an emotional burden on children that is not healthy for them, creates a lot of stress, anxiety and tension and is unfair.  If you've let the cat out of the bag then so be it but do not swear them to secrecy.

If your children don't know about the affair and your affair recovery but have picked up on the tension and conflict between the two of you they are probably responding to that stress and are anxious themselves.  This is what tempts some parents into thinking they need to come clean to their children about the affair.  All they are really needing is that sense of security and to be reassured.  You can let them know that you and daddy have been having trouble getting along lately but that you are working hard to make it better.  They can know that you are working on your relationship but don't have to know that you are rebuilding after an affair.  Then reassure them it is a grown up thing and is not about them, you love them very much, etc.  Remember that when you are having a discussion like this with your kids you want to have it with both you and your partner present.  This reinforces the idea for them that mom and dad are trying to get along and working together.  It is more powerful than just the words spoken by one of you with the other absent. 

Until next time....

blessings...

Barbara

Affair Recovery: Debunking Myth #7 -- The Truth About Affairs

Myth #7:  Emotional Affairs are not really affairs.

Truth:  Emotional Affairs can be just as devestating as sexual affairs.

Many people mistakenly believe that an emotional affair doesn't really count as an affair.  An emotional affair is when a spouse begins to develop an emotional relationship with somebody outside of their marriage (or momogamous committed relationship).  They may share intimate details of their lives with each other.  They may provide emotional support to one another.  You might be thinking, "that sounds like what people who are good friends so, so what's wrong with that?"  Well, for starters you have to tread very carefully if such a friendship is developing between a committed person and someone of the other sex if they are straight or someone of the same gender if they are gay or lesbian.  Next, you are really entering dangerous territory if you begin sharing things with this friend that you no longer or even have never shared with your spouse or partner.  When this happens, people are creating special bonds outside of their committed relationship.  If someone is hiding the fact of this friendship or the degree of intimacy from the partner then you know you are in trouble. 

At whatever level this emotional connection is happening it is taking the emotional and intimate energy that belongs in the relationship and directing it toward someone else.  That is why when the spouse or partner finds out they feel so betrayed.  And for many people, the emotional part of an affair is what feels like the larger betrayal so an affair that is emotional only will still feel devastating.  Women, in particular seem to be more hurt about the emotional part of an affair while men tend to be more hurt by the sexual part of affair. 

If you have a friendship with someone outside of your marriage or committed relationship and you are not sure if you are stepping over the line, ask yourself these questions: 

• Am I sharing too much personal information with this person?
• Am I sharing unpleasant information about my spouse/partner?
• Am I venting about my relationship to this person?
• Does my spouse/partner know about this person and the nature of our friendship?
• Am I sharing information with this person that I am not sharing with my partner?
• Am I secretly looking forward to getting to work to see this person?
• Do I make special efforts in my appearance for this person?

If you answer yes to any of these questions you may be well on your way to a complicated emotional involvement that may cause your marriage harm down the road.  Or, you may already be ensnarled in an emotional affair.  If this is true, please take some time to think about the potential consequences to your relationship and your life.  And, please do not make the mistake of telling yourself it is not really an affair, "we are just friends."  If you have to use that phrase to defend the relationship you are already more than just friends and you will way underestimate the hurt it will cause when your spouse or partner finds out.

Until next time...

Barbara

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs and About Healing From Affairs

Myth #7:  Affairs are usually just sexual.

Truth:  People often believe that affairs start because of sexual attraction and are primarily sexual in nature.  That may have been true in decades past where the typical affair most often involved a rather socially and econimically priveleged white male having an affair with often a younger woman who was neither the males economic or social equivalent.  The stereotype, of course, is the executive having an affair with his younger secretary.  There was usually a power differential both economically and socially. 

Most of todays' affairs, though are of a different nature.  More than half of all affairs do still start in the workplace.  But, they often tend to be among coworkers of relatively equal stature.  I've described the dynamics in earlier posts.  Coworkers spend a lot of time together, support each other in various projects and begin sharing their personal lives.  Over time a friendship develops where many areas of their personal lives are divulged.  As the friendship grows, so does the emotional attachment.  These days, most affairs do begin with a colleagial relationship, move to a friendship where there is sharing, common interests, mutual respect and then after a period of time the relationship may become sexual.  The sexual part of it is usually just an extension of what has already occurred. 

A lot of us think of the sex part of an affair as the actual betrayal.  But when we look at these extramarital relationships from this perspective we can see that there was a loosening of boundaries which were problematic often a long while before the relationship turned sexual.  More than half the women whose partners have had an affair say the more painful part of the betrayal is their husband's emotional involvement with his affair partner.  Typically, most males whose partners have had an affair say that it is the sexual part of the relationship which is the more painful betrayal.  This is all relative of course, and there are exceptions. It is important to know when going through the work of affair recovery and rebuilding after the affair, that sex may not have been the driving force or the reason for the affair to start.  Knowing this often helps the betrayed spouse let go of worries regarding their sexual desirability or performance.  It is usually much more complicated than not enough or not "good enough" sex.

Until next time...

Blessings,

Barbara

Affair Recovery: Debunking Hurtful Myths and Telling the Truth

Myth:  You should just forget about the affair and get on with your marriage.

Truth:  This is a harmful attitude not only because it is next to impossible but because it also makes the partner who was cheated on feel guilt about not being able to "do it right."  If you are already feeling inappropriately guilty for your partner having the affair, then this will just ad to the feeling of not doing things well enough.  THIS IS NOT USEFUL AND NOT GOOD SELF CARE.  Discovering an affair is a trauma for a marriage or relationship partner.  As with all trauma, the experience/memory of it feels like it "gets stuck" in the brain and doesn't seem to get "metabolised" through the nervous system the way regular experiences do.  That leads to repetative thoughts.  You seem unable to stop or make those thoughts go away no matter what you do. 

Also, thinnk about what happens to your body when you are hurt in some way.  The only way a wound will heal is if it is taken care of properly.  If it is ignored it can get infected and make things a lot worse.  You need help to heal this wound.  If you ignore the affair and pretend everything is alright there is a strong possibility that it will fester inside you making it near impossible to have the marriage you thought you'd have or want.  With healing, many couples who have been through this experience do find that, though their marriages are never quite the same, in some cases they are better because they are now more open and honest and they've come through this crisis stronger and more commited to each other.

You need to be able to feel you can talk about what happened, your thoughts and feelings about it so that you can begin to develop a sense of equilibrium.  It is tough to go around feeling like your world is upside down and that you are maybe going crazy.  If your partner is unable or unwilling to help you go through the healing process so you can begin to put your relationship back together as partners, please seek out a good therapist with knowledge of affair recovery in your community.  Check out www.Dearpeggy.com for "affair recovery friendly and knowledgeable" therapists in your area.  If you find you and your partner both want to work together but you feel uncertain about how to do about the healing process think about contacting an experienced third party, as well.

Until next time....

blessings

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking myth #5

Myth #5:  Affairs only happen in unhappy marriages.

It is a really common misconception that affairs happen in and because marriages are bad and unhappy.  This is not really the case.  Affairs can and certainly do happen in bad relationships but research is showing that affairs can happen in good marriages, as well.  I know, that may not seem to make sense and it may be a more than just a little unsettling. 

Remember that most affairs today are more about sliding across boundaries and seeing yourself as you are reflected by a new enamored person (if this sounds unfamiliar read through the previous myths and facts where this concept is more fully explained).  Since that is the case it does not take a dissatisfaction in a relationship for someone to unwittingly begin down the path that could lead them to an affair. 

Even in good, solid, and happy marriages couples have disagreements, sometimes very intense ones.  There are moments in even the best marriages where partners may feel fed up.  And now matter how strong a marriage, our partner of many years is probably just as aware of our flaws as we are.  Our partners, most likely, don't spend a large part of the workday with us (as other-gender coworkers do), and our spouses are probably not there to witness all of our workday victories (even the smallest ones) as our coworkers are (I keep mentioning coworkers because most affairs start between coworkers).  So, even a happily married person can begin a personal friendship with a coworker that is potentially dangerous to the marriage.

The best remedy against potential problems in your happy marriage is to make sure your work relationships are totally transparent.  Talk with your spouse about your friendships with your coworkers, especially any you are particularly close to.  If you notice you have stopped talking to your spouse about your friendships at work please take honest, serious stalk about the relationship.  If you find yourself saying, either to yourself or anyone else, "we're just friends,"  that is usually a red flag.

Until next time...

I wish you peace and healing.

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Myth #4

Myth #4 -- Most Affairs End in Divorce

The Truth:  While an affair may be a deal breaker and the bottom line for a number of people, the truth is that most couples who are dealing with the impact of an affair do stay together.  In fact, I find it very hopeful that research shows that a number of these couples report that their relationships were closer, more intimate and stronger than before the affair. 

If you have recently discovered your spouse has had an affair you may think this statement is just plain crazy.  And if you are in the beginning stages of healing from and working through the effects of an affair it is crazy.  This kind of result comes as a result of a long journey which requires honesty and commitment.  When you are in the beginning stages of dealing with an affair the idea of a commitment to the process of healing together may be the last thing on your mind.  It may seem impossible.  Even if you have been coping with the impact of an affair for a while you may have similar feelings. 

A number of the coupels who choose to stay together and engage in the healing process they are rewarded with a richness in their relationship they did not have before.  In many of these cases, the affair became the catalyst for growth.  That is not to say there was necessarily much wrong with the relationship before the affair.  In some cases, affairs happen even when both spouses would say they had a good marriage.  But, these couples took something awful and decided they were able to creat meaning of their experience and used it as a springboard to search deeply within themselves and each other for how they wanted to come back together as a couple.

Until next time...

I wish you peace and healing.

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Myth #3

Myth #3

Affairs happen because of sexual attraction.

The Truth:

This is, maybe, one of the most commonly held false assumptions.  Affairs do not happen primarily because of sexual attraction.  Nor do they primarily happen because one partner is not getting enough sex.  And, often they don't even happen because a marriage is really bad.

Most often affairs start because of how someone sees themselves reflected in the eyes of their lover.  Since most affairs these days begin with social or work friendships which evolve to something more, gradually a bond or connection is established.  If it is with a co-worker then perhaps that person sees a side of the married partner that the spouse does not get to see often, or at all.  They may have a great deal of respect for their married colleague's  knowledge, experience and talent in their field.   As the work relationship becomes more personal, the co-worker begins to admire other qualities the married colleague posesses.  It feels great to be admired and by someone with whom you really "click."   And because they are colleagues they share something in common and interests that the spouse may not be able to share with the married colleague.

This can all feel very compelling.  Even though comparing your relationship with a spouse of some years with the feelings you get from a relationship in which someone new sees you through rose colored glasses is like comparing apples and oranges and is so unfair to the spouse, many people do start to make this comparison.  They often reason that their marriage pales by comparison.  When affairs do happen, if they continue without the marriage partner finding out, the majority of them end after a period of time anyway.  Why?  For the same reasons that the marriage may have seemed so staleby comparison to the affiar initially.  They tend to fizzle because after the affair partners spend a certain amount of time together, they will also become acutely aware of the others' flaws.  Eventually, they stop seeing and reflecting back only the good in their partner and the affair begins to lose its pull.  After all, who needs to partners who are so familiar with one's flaws?

It is my sincere hope that anyone feeling pulled into an affair stops to consider that however their potential affair partner makes them feel has more to do with how someone can reflect to you everything you want to see in yourself than it does with any true long lasting feelings.