Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths: Myth #1

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths

Being hit with the news that an affair is usually devastating and often turns the betrayed spouse’s world upside down. In a maelstrom of intense emotions, often people have difficulty thinking clearly and are at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together. Healing both yourself and your marriage (if you choose) are possible after an affair. However, false assumptions and myths about affairs abound and they often create more distress when going through this already difficult process. I have seen this kind of misinformation add pain and confusion where there was already plenty.  If your life has been impacted by an affair I want you to know what those potentially harmful assumptions and myths are and I really want you to know the truth so you can begin your healing process.  Each new posting I will address one of the 10 most common assumptions/myths I encounter when working with individuals and couples on affair recovery in my practice.  Here are the top 10 myths I have encountered about affairs.

If the experience of an affair has, in some way, touched your life, I hope you will read on and clarify any misconceptions that have caused you or someone you love more hurt.

Myth #1

It is better to not talk about the affair Talking about it only makes you more upset, making it harder to get over it and move on with your life.

The Truth: Research shows that openly talking about the affair (with your spouse) is one of the most important factors in improving the relationship and aiding with healing. If you have a gangrenous wound you do not just wrap it up and act as everything is fine. You need to unwrap it and treat it. 

For the betrayed partner the discovery of an affair turns everything upside down.  Suddenly, you begin to question every moment in your life with your mate.  You may feel that everything was a lie.  You begin to wonder if the sudden trip to the grocery store your spouse took a couple of weeks ago was just a ruse to meet his/her lover.  You may wonder if when your spouse was checking his/her work phone messages when the two of you and the kids were enjoying a day at the beach, they were really seeing if their lover was trying to contact them.  You might be asking yourself if last time the two of you were out at dinner and your spouse had to go to the bathroom was he/she trying to contact their lover. 

You may very well be replaying every single moment of your marriage since the affair started.  You may feel like every minute was a potential deception.  The betrayed spouse may be wondering, how the affair started, what did the lover mean to him/her, how did their spouse think that the betrayed partner would react if they found it, how is it that the unfaithful spouse gave themselves permission to break their wedding vows?  Who initiated the affair?  What did the unfaithful partner tell themselves in the beginning of the affair that made it seem alright to go ahead?  What was the relationship with the lover before the affair started?  How often did they meet?  Was it just sexual or was it emotional too?  Where did they meet?  When did they meet? 

The betrayed spouse often obsesses about these questions, and others.  Though the unfaithful spouse may be very reticent to answer questions, it is often only after some pertinent information has been shared that the betrayed spouse can begin to feel that they are able to put some of the pieces to the puzzle.  This often enables them to begin to obsess less about the affair and move on to the next steps of healing.  It is one of the ways they can begin to feel things are starting to make sense again.  It can also be the beginning of reestablishing a sense of trust.  If the betrayed partner believes you are being open and honest about the affair they will more likely believe you later when you are further down the road of trying to repair your marriage. I do have one cautionary note, however.  Most often, knowing the answers to questions about the sexual details of the affair is NOT helpful.  It usually just provides a visual image which the betrayed partner then has difficulty getting out of their heads. 

If you find that it is too difficult to get started with this process on your own, please seek the help of a trained professional who has experience in affair recovery.  It is often helpful to have an objective third party help you navigate the emotionally turbulence you may be experiencing.

Until next time....

I wish you healing.