Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths -- Myth #2

This is the second part of my 10 part series on the 10 most common myths and harmful false assumptions about affairs. 

Myth #2

The less you know about the affair, the better.  The more information you know about it the harder it will be to get over.

Truth:

This myth is actually very similar to myth #1.  Similarly, the truth about this myth is very close to the truth about myth #1.  It is actually more difficult for the betrayed partner to heal and the relationship to heal when the betrayed partner knows little or nothing about an affair. 

When the betrayed partner finds out about an affair every fact about their life suddenly comes under suspiscion.  Every "truth" about their relationship is in question.  "Where were you really, the other day?" Every detail they know to be true about their relationship and their lives seems false.  It shakes up every aspect of someone's daily reality.  Their life suddenly becomes like a giant puzzle that has to be put back together and if there is information that is now known, it's like many of the pieces are missing.  Betrayed partners often need to know the following information:  how often did you see each other? Was it sexual every time? Where did you meet?  How did you rationalize this to yourself? What did you tell him/her about me and our relationship? How did you meet?  What places did you go together?  Who else knows? What did you think I would say when I found out?  Did you think of me at all when you were with him/her?  Did you feel guilty?  What did you say to yourself about our marriage? 

There may be many more kinds of quesitons the betrayed partner asks.  If the partner who strayed is serious about recommitting to the relationship and trying to heal it it is essential that they answer these questions to the best of their ability; as honestly and openly as possible.  It can be very difficult because you may want to avoid adding insult to injury.  However, this kind of openness is one of the important steps to beginning to rebuild trust.  If, over time, you can demonstrate your ability to be open about what happened your partner will begin to believe that you are really no longer involved.  You may be afraid your partner will be furious if you do answer.  However, it is better if your partner is angry or sad (or both), than if they are those things but also continue to be suspicious and angry because there is a sense you are invested in hiding information.  Also, when the spouse who has strayed doesn't share information about the affair, the betrayed spouse often ends up feeling they are trying to protect their lover/exlover and are being more concerned with his/her feelings than with those of the spouse.  This is not productive in the healing and rebuilding process.

I do want to say a word to the betrayed partner.  If you are asking questions and your spouse is answering them be mindful of your reactions/responses.  Whether it feels fair or not, you have a part in keeping the lines of communication open.  Your partner will be most likely to share the information if they don't get attacked every time they do try to answer the questions.  Feeling as hurt as betrayed partners usually do, it is understandable they would feel compelled to verbally attack and vent their rage when certain information is dicussed.  However, this will shut the conversation down quickly and possibly for good.   Do what you need to to take care of yourself, calm yourself before hand, talk to yourself in your own head during the process if you have to.   You can take a break and come back to the discussion another day if necessary.  Do it in small chunks if that is better.  This will at least increase the chances you get the information you are seeking.

Tune in next time for Myth #3.  In the meantime....

I wish you healing.