Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths -- Myth #2

This is the second part of my 10 part series on the 10 most common myths and harmful false assumptions about affairs. 

Myth #2

The less you know about the affair, the better.  The more information you know about it the harder it will be to get over.

Truth:

This myth is actually very similar to myth #1.  Similarly, the truth about this myth is very close to the truth about myth #1.  It is actually more difficult for the betrayed partner to heal and the relationship to heal when the betrayed partner knows little or nothing about an affair. 

When the betrayed partner finds out about an affair every fact about their life suddenly comes under suspiscion.  Every "truth" about their relationship is in question.  "Where were you really, the other day?" Every detail they know to be true about their relationship and their lives seems false.  It shakes up every aspect of someone's daily reality.  Their life suddenly becomes like a giant puzzle that has to be put back together and if there is information that is now known, it's like many of the pieces are missing.  Betrayed partners often need to know the following information:  how often did you see each other? Was it sexual every time? Where did you meet?  How did you rationalize this to yourself? What did you tell him/her about me and our relationship? How did you meet?  What places did you go together?  Who else knows? What did you think I would say when I found out?  Did you think of me at all when you were with him/her?  Did you feel guilty?  What did you say to yourself about our marriage? 

There may be many more kinds of quesitons the betrayed partner asks.  If the partner who strayed is serious about recommitting to the relationship and trying to heal it it is essential that they answer these questions to the best of their ability; as honestly and openly as possible.  It can be very difficult because you may want to avoid adding insult to injury.  However, this kind of openness is one of the important steps to beginning to rebuild trust.  If, over time, you can demonstrate your ability to be open about what happened your partner will begin to believe that you are really no longer involved.  You may be afraid your partner will be furious if you do answer.  However, it is better if your partner is angry or sad (or both), than if they are those things but also continue to be suspicious and angry because there is a sense you are invested in hiding information.  Also, when the spouse who has strayed doesn't share information about the affair, the betrayed spouse often ends up feeling they are trying to protect their lover/exlover and are being more concerned with his/her feelings than with those of the spouse.  This is not productive in the healing and rebuilding process.

I do want to say a word to the betrayed partner.  If you are asking questions and your spouse is answering them be mindful of your reactions/responses.  Whether it feels fair or not, you have a part in keeping the lines of communication open.  Your partner will be most likely to share the information if they don't get attacked every time they do try to answer the questions.  Feeling as hurt as betrayed partners usually do, it is understandable they would feel compelled to verbally attack and vent their rage when certain information is dicussed.  However, this will shut the conversation down quickly and possibly for good.   Do what you need to to take care of yourself, calm yourself before hand, talk to yourself in your own head during the process if you have to.   You can take a break and come back to the discussion another day if necessary.  Do it in small chunks if that is better.  This will at least increase the chances you get the information you are seeking.

Tune in next time for Myth #3.  In the meantime....

I wish you healing.

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths: Myth #1

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Common Myths

Being hit with the news that an affair is usually devastating and often turns the betrayed spouse’s world upside down. In a maelstrom of intense emotions, often people have difficulty thinking clearly and are at a loss as to how to begin to put the pieces of their shattered lives back together. Healing both yourself and your marriage (if you choose) are possible after an affair. However, false assumptions and myths about affairs abound and they often create more distress when going through this already difficult process. I have seen this kind of misinformation add pain and confusion where there was already plenty.  If your life has been impacted by an affair I want you to know what those potentially harmful assumptions and myths are and I really want you to know the truth so you can begin your healing process.  Each new posting I will address one of the 10 most common assumptions/myths I encounter when working with individuals and couples on affair recovery in my practice.  Here are the top 10 myths I have encountered about affairs.

If the experience of an affair has, in some way, touched your life, I hope you will read on and clarify any misconceptions that have caused you or someone you love more hurt.

Myth #1

It is better to not talk about the affair Talking about it only makes you more upset, making it harder to get over it and move on with your life.

The Truth: Research shows that openly talking about the affair (with your spouse) is one of the most important factors in improving the relationship and aiding with healing. If you have a gangrenous wound you do not just wrap it up and act as everything is fine. You need to unwrap it and treat it. 

For the betrayed partner the discovery of an affair turns everything upside down.  Suddenly, you begin to question every moment in your life with your mate.  You may feel that everything was a lie.  You begin to wonder if the sudden trip to the grocery store your spouse took a couple of weeks ago was just a ruse to meet his/her lover.  You may wonder if when your spouse was checking his/her work phone messages when the two of you and the kids were enjoying a day at the beach, they were really seeing if their lover was trying to contact them.  You might be asking yourself if last time the two of you were out at dinner and your spouse had to go to the bathroom was he/she trying to contact their lover. 

You may very well be replaying every single moment of your marriage since the affair started.  You may feel like every minute was a potential deception.  The betrayed spouse may be wondering, how the affair started, what did the lover mean to him/her, how did their spouse think that the betrayed partner would react if they found it, how is it that the unfaithful spouse gave themselves permission to break their wedding vows?  Who initiated the affair?  What did the unfaithful partner tell themselves in the beginning of the affair that made it seem alright to go ahead?  What was the relationship with the lover before the affair started?  How often did they meet?  Was it just sexual or was it emotional too?  Where did they meet?  When did they meet? 

The betrayed spouse often obsesses about these questions, and others.  Though the unfaithful spouse may be very reticent to answer questions, it is often only after some pertinent information has been shared that the betrayed spouse can begin to feel that they are able to put some of the pieces to the puzzle.  This often enables them to begin to obsess less about the affair and move on to the next steps of healing.  It is one of the ways they can begin to feel things are starting to make sense again.  It can also be the beginning of reestablishing a sense of trust.  If the betrayed partner believes you are being open and honest about the affair they will more likely believe you later when you are further down the road of trying to repair your marriage. I do have one cautionary note, however.  Most often, knowing the answers to questions about the sexual details of the affair is NOT helpful.  It usually just provides a visual image which the betrayed partner then has difficulty getting out of their heads. 

If you find that it is too difficult to get started with this process on your own, please seek the help of a trained professional who has experience in affair recovery.  It is often helpful to have an objective third party help you navigate the emotionally turbulence you may be experiencing.

Until next time....

I wish you healing.

Affair Recovery: Discovering an Affair -- Taking Time to Make a Decision

Discovering an affair can be one of the most traumatic experiences anyone has in their life.  Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can and often does catapult you into a crisis.  If you are like most people who have been hit with the news of an affair you may feel like nothing in your world makes sense anymore and you may even question if you are going crazy given the array and intensity of emotions you probably feel.  Know that this reaction will not last forever.  It will likely take you some time to regain your equilibrium enough to feel like you are thinking clearly and can begin to sort through the pieces of your life.  There are several steps to the process of healing after an affair. 

The good news is you can heal both yourself and your marriage if you choose to stay in your relationship.  That is often one of the first things that people think about, "Should I stay or should I go."  If you are one of those people you may be thinking, "I can't stand the idea of being married to anyone who would betray me and cause me pain like this.  What he/she did was so immoral, it goes against everything I believe in."  You may not be able to see how you could ever trust this person again.  On the other hand, you may be really torn.  One minute you think that and the next you think, "If I leave how will that affect the chidren?" or, "How can I just throw away 10 years of my life?"  You may still love your partner, even after the discovery.  This isn't uncommon.  Sorting through whether or not you will stay and heal the relationship can be a difficult and complicated decision to make.  Crisis and trauma research has shown repeatedly that our ability to think clearly, take into account a large variety of factors and make a decision based on them, is usually fairly, if not greatly, diminished during times of crisis. 

Giving yourself the time to regain some sense of equilibrium and begin the healing process for yourself before making a decision about your marriage may be one of the best things you can do for yourself in this situation.  Even if down the road a few months you do decide to end your relationship, and looking back you can see that there really wasn't ever any doubt, you will have given yourself the gift of knowing there was no doubt.  Most researchers say it takes3-4 months to regain a sense of balance after an initial crisis.  A decision you think you would never doubt only weeks after finding out about the affair, may seem much more tentative a few months later. Take care of yourself in all the ways you can, including giving yourself time.

Until next time....