Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Myth #3

Myth #3

Affairs happen because of sexual attraction.

The Truth:

This is, maybe, one of the most commonly held false assumptions.  Affairs do not happen primarily because of sexual attraction.  Nor do they primarily happen because one partner is not getting enough sex.  And, often they don't even happen because a marriage is really bad.

Most often affairs start because of how someone sees themselves reflected in the eyes of their lover.  Since most affairs these days begin with social or work friendships which evolve to something more, gradually a bond or connection is established.  If it is with a co-worker then perhaps that person sees a side of the married partner that the spouse does not get to see often, or at all.  They may have a great deal of respect for their married colleague's  knowledge, experience and talent in their field.   As the work relationship becomes more personal, the co-worker begins to admire other qualities the married colleague posesses.  It feels great to be admired and by someone with whom you really "click."   And because they are colleagues they share something in common and interests that the spouse may not be able to share with the married colleague.

This can all feel very compelling.  Even though comparing your relationship with a spouse of some years with the feelings you get from a relationship in which someone new sees you through rose colored glasses is like comparing apples and oranges and is so unfair to the spouse, many people do start to make this comparison.  They often reason that their marriage pales by comparison.  When affairs do happen, if they continue without the marriage partner finding out, the majority of them end after a period of time anyway.  Why?  For the same reasons that the marriage may have seemed so staleby comparison to the affiar initially.  They tend to fizzle because after the affair partners spend a certain amount of time together, they will also become acutely aware of the others' flaws.  Eventually, they stop seeing and reflecting back only the good in their partner and the affair begins to lose its pull.  After all, who needs to partners who are so familiar with one's flaws?

It is my sincere hope that anyone feeling pulled into an affair stops to consider that however their potential affair partner makes them feel has more to do with how someone can reflect to you everything you want to see in yourself than it does with any true long lasting feelings.