Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Myth #4

Myth #4 -- Most Affairs End in Divorce

The Truth:  While an affair may be a deal breaker and the bottom line for a number of people, the truth is that most couples who are dealing with the impact of an affair do stay together.  In fact, I find it very hopeful that research shows that a number of these couples report that their relationships were closer, more intimate and stronger than before the affair. 

If you have recently discovered your spouse has had an affair you may think this statement is just plain crazy.  And if you are in the beginning stages of healing from and working through the effects of an affair it is crazy.  This kind of result comes as a result of a long journey which requires honesty and commitment.  When you are in the beginning stages of dealing with an affair the idea of a commitment to the process of healing together may be the last thing on your mind.  It may seem impossible.  Even if you have been coping with the impact of an affair for a while you may have similar feelings. 

A number of the coupels who choose to stay together and engage in the healing process they are rewarded with a richness in their relationship they did not have before.  In many of these cases, the affair became the catalyst for growth.  That is not to say there was necessarily much wrong with the relationship before the affair.  In some cases, affairs happen even when both spouses would say they had a good marriage.  But, these couples took something awful and decided they were able to creat meaning of their experience and used it as a springboard to search deeply within themselves and each other for how they wanted to come back together as a couple.

Until next time...

I wish you peace and healing.

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs -- Debunking Myth #3

Myth #3

Affairs happen because of sexual attraction.

The Truth:

This is, maybe, one of the most commonly held false assumptions.  Affairs do not happen primarily because of sexual attraction.  Nor do they primarily happen because one partner is not getting enough sex.  And, often they don't even happen because a marriage is really bad.

Most often affairs start because of how someone sees themselves reflected in the eyes of their lover.  Since most affairs these days begin with social or work friendships which evolve to something more, gradually a bond or connection is established.  If it is with a co-worker then perhaps that person sees a side of the married partner that the spouse does not get to see often, or at all.  They may have a great deal of respect for their married colleague's  knowledge, experience and talent in their field.   As the work relationship becomes more personal, the co-worker begins to admire other qualities the married colleague posesses.  It feels great to be admired and by someone with whom you really "click."   And because they are colleagues they share something in common and interests that the spouse may not be able to share with the married colleague.

This can all feel very compelling.  Even though comparing your relationship with a spouse of some years with the feelings you get from a relationship in which someone new sees you through rose colored glasses is like comparing apples and oranges and is so unfair to the spouse, many people do start to make this comparison.  They often reason that their marriage pales by comparison.  When affairs do happen, if they continue without the marriage partner finding out, the majority of them end after a period of time anyway.  Why?  For the same reasons that the marriage may have seemed so staleby comparison to the affiar initially.  They tend to fizzle because after the affair partners spend a certain amount of time together, they will also become acutely aware of the others' flaws.  Eventually, they stop seeing and reflecting back only the good in their partner and the affair begins to lose its pull.  After all, who needs to partners who are so familiar with one's flaws?

It is my sincere hope that anyone feeling pulled into an affair stops to consider that however their potential affair partner makes them feel has more to do with how someone can reflect to you everything you want to see in yourself than it does with any true long lasting feelings.