Affair Recovery: Debunking Hurtful Myths and Telling the Truth

Myth:  You should just forget about the affair and get on with your marriage.

Truth:  This is a harmful attitude not only because it is next to impossible but because it also makes the partner who was cheated on feel guilt about not being able to "do it right."  If you are already feeling inappropriately guilty for your partner having the affair, then this will just ad to the feeling of not doing things well enough.  THIS IS NOT USEFUL AND NOT GOOD SELF CARE.  Discovering an affair is a trauma for a marriage or relationship partner.  As with all trauma, the experience/memory of it feels like it "gets stuck" in the brain and doesn't seem to get "metabolised" through the nervous system the way regular experiences do.  That leads to repetative thoughts.  You seem unable to stop or make those thoughts go away no matter what you do. 

Also, thinnk about what happens to your body when you are hurt in some way.  The only way a wound will heal is if it is taken care of properly.  If it is ignored it can get infected and make things a lot worse.  You need help to heal this wound.  If you ignore the affair and pretend everything is alright there is a strong possibility that it will fester inside you making it near impossible to have the marriage you thought you'd have or want.  With healing, many couples who have been through this experience do find that, though their marriages are never quite the same, in some cases they are better because they are now more open and honest and they've come through this crisis stronger and more commited to each other.

You need to be able to feel you can talk about what happened, your thoughts and feelings about it so that you can begin to develop a sense of equilibrium.  It is tough to go around feeling like your world is upside down and that you are maybe going crazy.  If your partner is unable or unwilling to help you go through the healing process so you can begin to put your relationship back together as partners, please seek out a good therapist with knowledge of affair recovery in your community.  Check out www.Dearpeggy.com for "affair recovery friendly and knowledgeable" therapists in your area.  If you find you and your partner both want to work together but you feel uncertain about how to do about the healing process think about contacting an experienced third party, as well.

Until next time....

blessings