Myth #7: Affairs are usually just sexual.
Truth: People often believe that affairs start because of sexual attraction and are primarily sexual in nature. That may have been true in decades past where the typical affair most often involved a rather socially and econimically priveleged white male having an affair with often a younger woman who was neither the males economic or social equivalent. The stereotype, of course, is the executive having an affair with his younger secretary. There was usually a power differential both economically and socially.
Most of todays' affairs, though are of a different nature. More than half of all affairs do still start in the workplace. But, they often tend to be among coworkers of relatively equal stature. I've described the dynamics in earlier posts. Coworkers spend a lot of time together, support each other in various projects and begin sharing their personal lives. Over time a friendship develops where many areas of their personal lives are divulged. As the friendship grows, so does the emotional attachment. These days, most affairs do begin with a colleagial relationship, move to a friendship where there is sharing, common interests, mutual respect and then after a period of time the relationship may become sexual. The sexual part of it is usually just an extension of what has already occurred.
A lot of us think of the sex part of an affair as the actual betrayal. But when we look at these extramarital relationships from this perspective we can see that there was a loosening of boundaries which were problematic often a long while before the relationship turned sexual. More than half the women whose partners have had an affair say the more painful part of the betrayal is their husband's emotional involvement with his affair partner. Typically, most males whose partners have had an affair say that it is the sexual part of the relationship which is the more painful betrayal. This is all relative of course, and there are exceptions. It is important to know when going through the work of affair recovery and rebuilding after the affair, that sex may not have been the driving force or the reason for the affair to start. Knowing this often helps the betrayed spouse let go of worries regarding their sexual desirability or performance. It is usually much more complicated than not enough or not "good enough" sex.
Until next time...
Blessings,
Barbara
My husband's "affair" is with Internet porn. Not just the usual but with teenagers and not just casually. He even took the laptop computer with us on our recent romantic getaway to a resort hotel (His big surprise for me) for our wedding anniversary. He said he still had to pay some bills so he needed to use the computer at some point.
When I accidentally stumbled across the sites he'd visited over a period of several months andthe dates our anniversry was included and it did not stop up to the time of discovery.
I'm devastasted. I am a recovering anorexic and have Bipolar Disorder which I manage with medication and therapy. I take care of our ten-year old son. But I'm crumbling under this and feeling so horrible about myself and as if I don't deserve a morsel of food. I can't look in a mirror and feel hideous, old and ugly. I can never trust again I don't believe. How can I save this marriage?
Posted by: Melissa Thornton | June 12, 2009 at 05:53 PM