Affair Recovery: Rebuilding After an Affair -- What to Tell Children

Rebuilding after an affair can be complicated.  Though you may both be sincere in your commitment to rebuild your marriage there often so many unintended consequences after an affair.  It can be staggering to realize just how many areas of your life end of effected -- things you wouldn't have thought of until you are kind of hit with them.

One big area that may have to be dealt with during your affair recovery is what to tell the children.  As a general rule, children should be told as little as possible about an affair.  But, let me go into a little more detail and explanation about that.  First, an exception giving as little information as you can is if 1.) The kids have heard you and your spouse openly fighting about the affair and have already heard something or 2.)  If they are likely to read it in the newspaper or hear about it from an outside source.  Let me just say, though, that even in this circumstance you want to give as little information as possible.  Let them know that mom or dad got too friendly with someone else but they have realized they still love the other parent and that the two of you are working to get along better or be happier together.  Let them also know you both still love the children and that the problem is a grownup problem and doesn't have to do with the kids.

When telling children about an affair it is so important not to tell them they have to keep a big secret.  That places an emotional burden on children that is not healthy for them, creates a lot of stress, anxiety and tension and is unfair.  If you've let the cat out of the bag then so be it but do not swear them to secrecy.

If your children don't know about the affair and your affair recovery but have picked up on the tension and conflict between the two of you they are probably responding to that stress and are anxious themselves.  This is what tempts some parents into thinking they need to come clean to their children about the affair.  All they are really needing is that sense of security and to be reassured.  You can let them know that you and daddy have been having trouble getting along lately but that you are working hard to make it better.  They can know that you are working on your relationship but don't have to know that you are rebuilding after an affair.  Then reassure them it is a grown up thing and is not about them, you love them very much, etc.  Remember that when you are having a discussion like this with your kids you want to have it with both you and your partner present.  This reinforces the idea for them that mom and dad are trying to get along and working together.  It is more powerful than just the words spoken by one of you with the other absent. 

Until next time....

blessings...

Barbara