Affair Recovery: Debunking Myth #7 -- The Truth About Affairs

Myth #7:  Emotional Affairs are not really affairs.

Truth:  Emotional Affairs can be just as devestating as sexual affairs.

Many people mistakenly believe that an emotional affair doesn't really count as an affair.  An emotional affair is when a spouse begins to develop an emotional relationship with somebody outside of their marriage (or momogamous committed relationship).  They may share intimate details of their lives with each other.  They may provide emotional support to one another.  You might be thinking, "that sounds like what people who are good friends so, so what's wrong with that?"  Well, for starters you have to tread very carefully if such a friendship is developing between a committed person and someone of the other sex if they are straight or someone of the same gender if they are gay or lesbian.  Next, you are really entering dangerous territory if you begin sharing things with this friend that you no longer or even have never shared with your spouse or partner.  When this happens, people are creating special bonds outside of their committed relationship.  If someone is hiding the fact of this friendship or the degree of intimacy from the partner then you know you are in trouble. 

At whatever level this emotional connection is happening it is taking the emotional and intimate energy that belongs in the relationship and directing it toward someone else.  That is why when the spouse or partner finds out they feel so betrayed.  And for many people, the emotional part of an affair is what feels like the larger betrayal so an affair that is emotional only will still feel devastating.  Women, in particular seem to be more hurt about the emotional part of an affair while men tend to be more hurt by the sexual part of affair. 

If you have a friendship with someone outside of your marriage or committed relationship and you are not sure if you are stepping over the line, ask yourself these questions: 

• Am I sharing too much personal information with this person?
• Am I sharing unpleasant information about my spouse/partner?
• Am I venting about my relationship to this person?
• Does my spouse/partner know about this person and the nature of our friendship?
• Am I sharing information with this person that I am not sharing with my partner?
• Am I secretly looking forward to getting to work to see this person?
• Do I make special efforts in my appearance for this person?

If you answer yes to any of these questions you may be well on your way to a complicated emotional involvement that may cause your marriage harm down the road.  Or, you may already be ensnarled in an emotional affair.  If this is true, please take some time to think about the potential consequences to your relationship and your life.  And, please do not make the mistake of telling yourself it is not really an affair, "we are just friends."  If you have to use that phrase to defend the relationship you are already more than just friends and you will way underestimate the hurt it will cause when your spouse or partner finds out.

Until next time...

Barbara