Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery: Rebuilding After an Affair -- What to Tell Children

Rebuilding after an affair can be complicated.  Though you may both be sincere in your commitment to rebuild your marriage there often so many unintended consequences after an affair.  It can be staggering to realize just how many areas of your life end of effected -- things you wouldn't have thought of until you are kind of hit with them.

One big area that may have to be dealt with during your affair recovery is what to tell the children.  As a general rule, children should be told as little as possible about an affair.  But, let me go into a little more detail and explanation about that.  First, an exception giving as little information as you can is if 1.) The kids have heard you and your spouse openly fighting about the affair and have already heard something or 2.)  If they are likely to read it in the newspaper or hear about it from an outside source.  Let me just say, though, that even in this circumstance you want to give as little information as possible.  Let them know that mom or dad got too friendly with someone else but they have realized they still love the other parent and that the two of you are working to get along better or be happier together.  Let them also know you both still love the children and that the problem is a grownup problem and doesn't have to do with the kids.

When telling children about an affair it is so important not to tell them they have to keep a big secret.  That places an emotional burden on children that is not healthy for them, creates a lot of stress, anxiety and tension and is unfair.  If you've let the cat out of the bag then so be it but do not swear them to secrecy.

If your children don't know about the affair and your affair recovery but have picked up on the tension and conflict between the two of you they are probably responding to that stress and are anxious themselves.  This is what tempts some parents into thinking they need to come clean to their children about the affair.  All they are really needing is that sense of security and to be reassured.  You can let them know that you and daddy have been having trouble getting along lately but that you are working hard to make it better.  They can know that you are working on your relationship but don't have to know that you are rebuilding after an affair.  Then reassure them it is a grown up thing and is not about them, you love them very much, etc.  Remember that when you are having a discussion like this with your kids you want to have it with both you and your partner present.  This reinforces the idea for them that mom and dad are trying to get along and working together.  It is more powerful than just the words spoken by one of you with the other absent. 

Until next time....

blessings...

Barbara

Affair Recovery: Debunking Myth #7 -- The Truth About Affairs

Myth #7:  Emotional Affairs are not really affairs.

Truth:  Emotional Affairs can be just as devestating as sexual affairs.

Many people mistakenly believe that an emotional affair doesn't really count as an affair.  An emotional affair is when a spouse begins to develop an emotional relationship with somebody outside of their marriage (or momogamous committed relationship).  They may share intimate details of their lives with each other.  They may provide emotional support to one another.  You might be thinking, "that sounds like what people who are good friends so, so what's wrong with that?"  Well, for starters you have to tread very carefully if such a friendship is developing between a committed person and someone of the other sex if they are straight or someone of the same gender if they are gay or lesbian.  Next, you are really entering dangerous territory if you begin sharing things with this friend that you no longer or even have never shared with your spouse or partner.  When this happens, people are creating special bonds outside of their committed relationship.  If someone is hiding the fact of this friendship or the degree of intimacy from the partner then you know you are in trouble. 

At whatever level this emotional connection is happening it is taking the emotional and intimate energy that belongs in the relationship and directing it toward someone else.  That is why when the spouse or partner finds out they feel so betrayed.  And for many people, the emotional part of an affair is what feels like the larger betrayal so an affair that is emotional only will still feel devastating.  Women, in particular seem to be more hurt about the emotional part of an affair while men tend to be more hurt by the sexual part of affair. 

If you have a friendship with someone outside of your marriage or committed relationship and you are not sure if you are stepping over the line, ask yourself these questions: 

• Am I sharing too much personal information with this person?
• Am I sharing unpleasant information about my spouse/partner?
• Am I venting about my relationship to this person?
• Does my spouse/partner know about this person and the nature of our friendship?
• Am I sharing information with this person that I am not sharing with my partner?
• Am I secretly looking forward to getting to work to see this person?
• Do I make special efforts in my appearance for this person?

If you answer yes to any of these questions you may be well on your way to a complicated emotional involvement that may cause your marriage harm down the road.  Or, you may already be ensnarled in an emotional affair.  If this is true, please take some time to think about the potential consequences to your relationship and your life.  And, please do not make the mistake of telling yourself it is not really an affair, "we are just friends."  If you have to use that phrase to defend the relationship you are already more than just friends and you will way underestimate the hurt it will cause when your spouse or partner finds out.

Until next time...

Barbara