Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs

Myth #9:  People have affairs because they are not getting enough sex in their marriage.

Truth:  The person having the affair is usually the one who was least interested in sex and is giving the least in the marriage.

It is a very common and longstanding misconception that people stray because they need extra on the side since they are not getting enough at home.  The truth is that the majority of people who have affairs were the ones who were least interested in the sexual part of the marriage not only after the affair started but before the affair started.  In fact, they are usually the one that gives the least in the marriage in other ways, as well, not just in sexual ways.

When someone is giving relatively to the life of the marriage it is often because they are not all that invested for one reason or another.  Now, the reason may be that the just don't know how to give in a relationship and are maybe not even aware that they are NOT giving.  What they do become aware of is that they are not feeling connected and not getting a lot out of the relationship without necessarily realizing this is because they are not giving and are not invested.  This makes them vulnerable to going outside of the marriage for emotional closeness and an affair develops.

Often the spouse who is not straying has been the one who has been trying to turn up the sexual heat in the relationship often to just be rebuffed.

Until next time....

blessing,

Barbara

Affair Recovery: The Truth About Affairs

Myth #8:  Emotional Affairs (when there has been no sexual involvement) are not really affairs.

Truth:  Emotional Affairs are and can be just as devestating as affairs where there is sexual involvement. 

Empotional affairs may not be considered as taboo in our society but as far as the marriage or relationship go they are still doing a great deal of damage.  First, the "cheated" on partner is hurt and angry because there is still a sense of being betrayed.  "You are sharing and talking about your thoughts and feelings with her and not with me."  This still puts the "betrayed" spouse on the outside and being left out of a new bond.  That is the betrayal.  And for women, emotional affairs are often more hurtful than if their spouse is having a sexual encounter that doesn't have any emotional ties. 

Also, anything can really be as harmful as an affair.  If you are pulling your energy out of the marriage and investing it in someone else whether there is sexual involvement or not you are putting someone else before your spouse.  The marriage suffers and the spouse suffers.  If one partner is playing golf every spare minute outside of work that is also damaging to a marriage in a similar way as an affair is.  It may not feel like a betrayal but there is a pulling energy and investment out of the marriage and putting it toward something else.

Often people end up going down a road but don't realize it because emotional affair (like sexual affairs) often begin with friendships usually at work.  A big red flag is if you find yourself not telling your partner about your friend or about what you and your "friend" are talking about.  Now you have something to worry about.  If you find yourself thinking, she'd be mad (or he'd be mad) but "we're just friends" know you are in dangerous territory.  If you ever find yourself justifying a relationship with the words "we're just friends" either to yourself or to your spouse you have probably already crossed a line and maybe you aren't even aware of it yet.  That phrase should give you pause to stop and really think about what is really going on between the two of you.

Until next time,

Blessings,

Barbara