Beat the Marriage Odds

Thanksgiving, Gratitude and Relationships

This is the time of year that we are reminded to take stock of all we have and express outrgratitude and appreciation.  Here is a way you can turn this ritual into an opportunity to give your partner a romantic and loving gift for your partner gift. 

Between now and Thanksgiving write down a list of the things about your partner or the things your partner does that you really appreicate.  You can write down things that are more general, like, "I love how kind you are," or "I appreicate your sense of humor."  But, also make sure to include some specifics such as, "I loved how you casually leaned over and whispered 'I love you' in my ear the other night when we are at that part.  I felt so loved when you did that."  Include as many things as you can about your partner that touches and moves you.

Then on Thanksgiving sit down with your partner when you have some privacy and share this list  with him or her.  If you want to get even more romantic and make it a really special gift, get some lovely specialized paper (maybe something papyrus/parchment-like that you can present in a scroll), with lovely lettering, embelish it and then read it out loud to your partner making sure to take time to look in his or her eyes.  You can really make this a gift from the heart.  Think of how touching it would be to receive a gift like this.  Most of us love to feel appreciated and cherished by your partner and the best way to receive is to give.

Happy Thanksgiving and blessings,

Barbara

Barbara

"Prepare for Love"

Hi.  I hope you are doing well and feeling loved, today.  I know it's been a while since I've created a new post.  Things have been a little crazy and I've been spending a lot of time working.  But, I promised myself that this week I would create some sacred space in the week and tend to the things that are really important to me.  Writing this blog is certainly one of them.  I love sharing information I think will be useful to people who are committed to creating the best relationship they can. 

So, I've been dying to share with you a reflection on love I recently read, "Prepare for Love."  It was written by Daphne Rose Kingma and I think is not only beautiful but very very wise.  I hope you enjoy it.

Prepare for Love

In order to receive love, you need to know what love consists of for you.  Just holding the vague hope that you'll "get loved" ....isn't enough.  Our experience of love is very specific.  We feel loved when we receive exactly the kind of love that speaks to us.

So, today, if you are seeking love or desire to feel more love, ask yourself the following questions:  What would the person who loves me look like?  How would he or she speak to me?  How would he or she touch me, move, behave in the presence of my body?

What are the words she would say?  What are the things I would need to him to tell me?  What, most of all do we enjoy doing together?  Why would she love me?  What would be the reason he or she has chosen to love me?

This reflection really speaks to me and it beautifully embodies what I teach my couples in my sessions and in my workshops.  You have to let your lover/spouse/intimate partner know what you need and want.  You need to let them know what touches your heart.  So, often I hear from partners, "we've been together so long she should know by now what I need," or "If he really loved me he would know," or "if I have to ask then it doesn't mean anything."  NOTHING could be further from the truth.  It is so sad to hear of a husband who brought his wife beautiful roses who then feels dissappointed and confused when she does not swoon.  You see, all she wanted, what would make her feel loved was if he had just done the dishes one night without her having to ask.  This is just one example, but it happens all the time.

We each have a few special things, certain touches, special words, particular glances or gestures which are not just "nice" and "thoughtful" but actually make our hearts melt.  Chances are when we do kind loving things for our partners we are doing those things which we would love.  Our partners may be very different from us in that way.  Each person is unique in what makes them melt.  Dissuade yourself of the idea that it is less meaningful if you have to let your partner know what you need or ask for what you want.  Rather than seeing it as inferior, remember that in doing so you are acknowledging the differences between the two of you, honoring those differences and gently and kindly moving toward each other in intimacy when you can communicate your wants and desires directly and lovingly.

Until next time...

Wishing you love in your love relationship

Barbara

Probably the most fundamental and basic challenge of relaionships is how to balance each partner's need for intimacy and connection and with their time for being separate.  As clinical psychologist John Welwood writes in his book Journey of the Heart, a relationship "rather than being just a form of togetherness, is a ceaseless flowing back and forth between joining and separating."  In other words, how to be intimate without losing yourself. 

However, each partner has their own rhythms and preferences about when, how and how much contact and connection.  It is not too often in a relationships that partners are in sync about this.  And, it is one of those unsolveable problems.  You know, one of those issues you have with your mate that you feel like you just go round and round about never reaching a solution.  But, while it is unsolvable that does not mean it can't be worked with and on.  First, it is important to realize that this is true in all relationships though to lesser or greater degrees depending on the two people in the relationship.  Second, remember that it doesn't have to mean that you are with the wrong person.  You would probably have this struggle with anyone in a longterm relationship.  Now, let's talk about a couple of things you and your partner can do to get a little more awareness about this area of your relationship and things you can do to start to make this area of our relationship feel better.

Each take your appointment calendars and keep a sort of a log for one month.  Each day of the month jot down whether you feel close or distant to your partner and any reasons you think this might be.  For example, "Had a hard day at work, boss was on my back. Wanted to come home and be alone to recoup."  Maybe the other partner for the same day writes, "Had a good day at work, so I was relaxed, felt like being close."  Do this for each day.  There will be days where one of you wants to feel close and the other wants distance, days where it will be reversed, and days where you will both feel close or both feel distant.  Remeber do not use words that make a judgement about your partners rhythm.  Just observe and notice don't judge.

Next, after the end of the month, both of you sit down and read each others notes.  Look for patterns.  See if certain events seem to lead to your feeling close or distant.  Talk about what you see and what you are learning about your own patterns and each others.  Remember not to be judgemental or accusatory.  This may be tempting to do because if this has been going on for a while there may be old hurts and resentments about the lack of connection or lack of space you feel.  Accusing will only make things worse so remember to breath, stay calm and undertake the discussion in the spirit of curiousity, trying to understand, and teamwork.  What works best for the team in this case, will work best for you.

Then, sit down with a calendar for the upcoming month and look at which days, based on your appointments, you might be especially in sync or especially out of sync.  If there are big meetings at work that tend to be followed by a need for distance or closeness for one of you, note that and be aware of each other's needs.  If you noticed on the previous calendar that there are times that both of you tend to want to be close then take note and plan for those in the upcoming month.   On the calendar also write down any information that might effect your rhythms together like big projects for work, kids school or social schedules, etc.

Look at the calendar daily.  It can be help make you more aware of yours and your partners needs and can remind you that compromising on this stuff once in a while will help create more harmony in your relationship.

Until next time...

Love Your Love Relationship,

Barbara

Building a Stronger Marriage: Cherishing Your Partner

When was the last time you did something to make your partner feel cherished?  When was the last time you felt cherished? Well, since the best way to get is to give let's start with what you can do to cherish your partner. 

Think back to when your relationship was new.  Close your eyes and picture in your minds eye all the small (and big) things that you did for your partner.  You remember the times when it felt effortless to shower your partner with your attention and  your energy.  Did you pack a special picnic on a Sunday afternoon with some of his or her favorites from the local gourmet grocery?  Did you make a secret stop at the boutique to get that artisan necklace she admired the other week to give to her as a surprise?  Did you make sure you looked into his eyes when the two of you would talk?  Did you give her a great foot massage in the evenings?  Did you take a few minutes to spontaneously rub his shoulders and pepper the massage with sensual kisses on his neck just because?  Did you just make sure you held hands when walking down the street because you knew that was so important?  Did you compliment and appreciate your partner?

Whichever of those or other cherishing things you did chances are if you've been together for a while, maybe a few years, these gestures that used come so spontaneiously and seeml so effortless and fun to do may now not be happening quite as much.  They may not be happening merely as much.  And when this happens we tell ouselves that is because we are busy with the day to day tasks of living.  We tell ourselves that that it is only natural for that kind of attention to wane after being in a relationship for a while.  Or we tell ourselves that our partner knows we love them because of our commitment.  Yes, all those things are true.  However, letting our relationships be serviced through autopilot is letting them flounder.  Steering on autopilot is part of why the spark dies, why a lot of the excitment is gone, why we just don't feel as connected or emotionally intimate, why we may feel flat or bored.

My favorite metaphor for a relationship is a garden.  We can spend a lot of time sitting in it but if we don't get up and water and fertilize it it will die.  If we only do those things once in a while our gardens may not be completely dead but they are far from looking really alive and beautiful.  Believe me, I know you are short on time.  There is so much to do and not enough time to do it.  You maybe feel tired and burned out.  Yet, we know that people are relational and people in good relationships have more of a sense of well being than people who are not.  And, many of us want "me" time to feel rejuevenated.  That is very important.  But maybe if you start thinking about the time and energy investment in your relationship as an investment in yourself you will begin to find the spaces here and there in your day to turn off the cruise control and steer your relationship on purpose.

Whether its a larger time investment like a picnic or a 10 minute unexpected shoulder rub with a nice oil, or a few special words you know your partner loves hearing, or a nice cup of coffee you make without being asked, make the investment in your relationship and in yourself.

Until next time....

Wishing you love in your love relationship,

Barbara

Better Relationships: Creating Deeper Connection and a Stronger Relationship

The "Eyes" Have It

I know this may sound strange, and maybe even a little unbelievable, but you can literally start to feel more connected and close to your partner by doing just one little thing.  Just look into your partner's eyes.  What?  you might be asking yourself.  Think about it.  When was the last time you really looked into your partner's eyes and give them your complete and full attention when they were talking to you?  If you are anything like most busy and harried couples any talking that happens happens on the sly, in between other things and while one of you is chopping the onions for dinner or packing backpacks for school the next day.  But think about the last time someone really looked into your eyes and gave you their full attention when you were talking?  If you can remember, then think about how that felt.  If you can't, imagine in your mind someone looking at you in that way...deep into your eyes, with their full attention on you.  They let you know that they hear every word and what you have to say is important to them.  That is such a cherishing thing to do.  And it is something that we often don't take the time to do because we are so busy.  We are often on autopilot with our partners and are not always intentional in how we act with them. 

Make a commitment to yourself and to your relationship right now.  Make a commitment to yourself that you will look into your partner's eyes and hold their gaze when your partner has something to say that is important to them.  Do this for at least one minute three times in the next week.  Then do it again the next week.  And then the next.  This is one of the techniques I suggest to my clients which gets the most enthusiasm once they've tried it.  A lot of people tell me afterward that they were surprised at what a big impact such a seemingly small gesture can have.  And it is the seemingly little things we do everyday that can make the difference between an ok or fine relationship and a really passionate and alive relationship.

Until next time...

Love Your Love Relationship

Barbara

Creating a Better Marriage: Asking for an Appointment is an Important Skill for Keeping a Marriage Happy

So are you having one of those moments when you feel let down or angry with your partner for something they've done, or maybe haven't done?  Are you ready to have it out with them for the umpteenth time except that in the back of your head you figure it probably won't do any good?  Then you will probably not say anything or take the chance anyway, but because you figure it won't do any good you may be getting ready for a fight?

That can be a tough place to be in.  You need to tell your partner how you are feeling and what you need, and yet, that very thing could start another round on the hamster wheel.  Round and round with no resolution.

It can be hard to get our partners to listen when we have a "complaint."  They will likely get defensive or launch a "counter attack."  Wouldn't it be great to get to say what you have to say and have your partner hear you without fighting back?  Wouldn't it be even better if the two of you actually resolved the issue?  YES, it would!!

There are several strategies to help you move closer to that goal.  The first one and the one I'm going to tell you about in this posting is truly simple and unlike many of the others, very easy.  BE CAREFUL OF YOUR TIMING AND ASK FOR AN APPOINTMENT.  Yes.  That's it.  When you have something to talk to your partner about wait until a "nonstressed" moment to let your partner know that you have something you want to talk about.  It is probably better not to ask right when your partner is obviously stressed, has just walked in the door from a busy day at work, has just finished an exhausting day wrangling children, etc.  Instead, wait for a time in the day when your partner is more relaxed and calm, maybe after dinner, after the kids are in bed and the TV is on, perhaps during some downtime on the weekend.  Then let your partner know you want to talk to them about something and if now is a good time.  If it's not a good time then ask them when would be and make an appointment. 

This gives you a better chance of being successful because your partner won't be already stressed, won't feel ambushed and may react differently than usual simply because you've taken a different and thoughtful approach.  I've heard partners say that they were able to listen better when there was an issue looming because they felt their partner took their feelings into consideration from the very beginning of the interaction.

This combined with making sure you don't make other communication stopping mistakes such as:  making general comments about your partner's character, using a harsh tone of voice, talking about more than one issue at a time, or giving several examples of the same transgression, will get you closer to the outcome you'd like.

Until next time...

Love your love relationship

Need Marriage Help? Too Much Fighting? A Great Strategy to Stop the Fight

Most couples I know rarely feel a resolution to their "issue" when they fight.  I hear most people describe their fights in the same way over and over.  Even if they are fighting about different things the description is usually the same.  It seems to go incircles.  The angry partner makes a complaint, the other person defends themselves trying to explain why either it's not a problem, that they didn't do "it", or why their partner is overreacting.  Or the person responds with, "well what about when you...."  Then this usually goes on for a while until things either get so heated that someone storms out or shuts down and acts like the proverbial brick wall.  Both people can end up feeling frustrated or worse.

Here is one of the best strategies I know to help shift this endless cycle.  LISTEN.  Really LISTEN to your partner when they have an issue.  I know, its hard, especially when it comes in the form of a comlaint.  It's only natural to want to defend yourself or shift to talking about your partner's transgressions but it is much better to avoid the temptation.  It usually isn't productive.  Remember, your partner's complaint is really a wish/desire/need in disguise.  Most of us are not taught to take stock of our needs and then express them in a way that gets them met.  We usually turn it into a complaint. 

When you resist the temptation to defend yourself and just open yourself to your partner's concerns you are less likely to go around in circles.  Do what you need to do inside your own head to get through this.  Say things to yourself like, "ok, this isn't really all about me, he's just trying to tell me what he needs," "I don't have to take this personally", "she's been under a lot of stress."  Also, make sure you are taking full breaths.  The breathing will help you stay calm. 

Ironically, when you don't defent or attack back your partner's criticism will probably be less intense.  One reason is when we defend, our partner doesn't feel like we heard them or "get it" so they keep finding different ways to say the same thing or louder and more obnoxious ways because they want us to listen.  After they've complained summarize back for them what they've said.  Even ask, "let me see if I got that?"  If you didn't they can restate it and then you ask them again. 

One of the reasons this can be hard is that we tend to think if we don't launch our own case, it means that we are agreeing with their grievance.  There is a huge difference between listening and letting your partner know that you heard them and are concerned they are upset and agreeing with their assessment.  You DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE.  Just listen and reflect.  Then, some of the anger and sting will melt from your partner and the two of you actually have a chance at discussing what can be done about it.

Until next time...

Wishing you a loving relationship.

Creating Great Relationships: Use Loving and Fun Surprises to Improve Your Marriage

Tired of all the "hard work" of making marriages work?  Bogged down by all the talking to create a healthy relationship?  Then I've got some good news for you.  Take a little break from all that and surprise your partner! 

It may sound a little too simple but little, or not so little, thoughtful surprises can shift some of the energy in your marriage to appreciation and connection.  Think about it, how would you feel if your beloved surprised you with little things you really liked, out of the blue, unexpected, from time to time?  You would probably feel appreciated for being you and appreciative, loved, noticed, cared for and maybe even a little cherished. 

It's a great perscription for giving a relationship a little energy.  These days, with so many to-do lists, multitasking, and the way we get caught up in the mundane details of daily living, what relationship couldn't use a little extra umph?  And, if your relationship has been in a bit of trouble, this strategy could be just what you need to begin to disrupt the negative patterns between you and your mate.

Here's the way to do it.  Notice what your partner likes.  For example, if your partner mentions how much she'd like a massage, get her a gift certificate for one.  If you are out together and your wife stops to ogle a particular pair of shoes she loves but shrugs and moves on, go back later and get her the shoes.  If your husband mentions a new electronic gadget he's like and he's not likely to get it for himself, get it for him. 

Here is part of the trick that makes this really successful, though.  Don't give your partner the surprise right away.  Instead, wait about a month and then give it to him or her.  He or she will have probably forgotten they ever mentioned it to you and will likely melt just thinking that you went out of your way to remember and take the time to go get it.  Give a surprise to your mate about once a month.  It doesn't have to be a big purchase.  Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

If you are not sure what kind of surprise your partner would like, ask him or her.  Ask your partner to write a list of about a dozen things to surprise them with.   "Won't that ruin the surprise, though?" you are asking yourself.  They will most likely forget after a while that you asked them.  They may vaguely remember the first month you give the surprise but they will soon forget what they put on the list.  And, if you ask them for a dozen then you have a whole year's worth of surprises. 

I have never seen this technique fail.  Every single couple to whom I have suggested this, as later told me that they received such great responses the first time they did it that that was enough motivation to continue to do for the rest of the year. Whether they were in healthy marriages but they wanted a more connected and passionate relationship or they were in troubled marriages,  this technique was helpful in restoring them to a more passionate relationship.

Until next time...

wishing you loving and fun relationships

Great Marriages: Couple Time

A question I get asked often is, "How can we make our marriage/relationship better?"  Well, it takes a combination of things and the good news is most marriages already have many of those things.  Things like devotion, commitment, respect, honesty, caring, appreciation are among those things which make a marriage strong and healthy. 

What I have found with a lot of couples, whether they are couples who come to see me in my office or just friends and acquaintances, is that relatively few of them give themselves and each other the gift of "couple time." 

In this very hectic, fast-paced world we live in, with so many tasks on our to-do lists, and the kids, sometimes its our intimiate relationship that is the thing that gets put on hold.  Its so easy to take little pieces of time away from it in the beginning.  We figure just until this time crunch is over, but sometimes the time crunch just doesn't go away and we keep short changing our partners and our relaitonships.

Our relationships are like gardens.  If we don't water, nourish and weed them they wither.  When all the other pieces of a relationship are in place, they can begin to fade if there isn't energy put into keeping the connection alive and growing between the two of you.

Think back to how great it was when you were courting and you new you would have time to spend together.  Spending that much time just being together may not be realistic for you now but imagine how a quiet dinner out, a trip to the museum and lunch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, a playful date at the baseball game, a walk along the beach or a short nearby hike would feel.  It doesn't have to be a huge length of time and it doesn't have to be expensive, but it would help a great deal if it were consistent.

I recently spoke to a couple who had always had a good, solid marriage but lately they were feeling very distant, disconnected and in the details of the daily business and stress started becoming irritable with one another.  I helped them take an inventory of their schedules, how they spent their time and how much of it was devoted to each other.  The light dawned before I even had to say anything.  They immediately set up a plan to nurture and protect their "couple time."  Within weeks they felt they had reached the levels of caring and connectedness they shared before. 

This week, take an inventory of your schedule.  How much time do the two of you take for each other.  It really is a necessity and I encourage you to think of it as a gift.  One you are giving not only to your partner, but to your relationship and ultimately to yourself, as well.

Until next time....

I wish you loving relationships.

Creating A Successful Marriage: Affair Proof Your Relationship

I can't tell you how much damage an affair can do to a relationship.  Most of the couples I see in my office have struggled with the impact of an affair.  Seeing the pain affairs can cause up close over and over again, I want to shout out from the rooftops to anyone who will listen about how to affair proof your marriage.   I feel so passionate about this particularly because most of the couples I've worked with on affair recovery were not in bad marriages. Most of them were in marriages both partners described as good or happy. 

In today's world, most affairs begin at work with colleagues.  Typically, initially neither partner is looking for emotional or sexual contact, but rather, as their collegial relationship becomes more personal, their feelings of emotional intimacy grow and it becomes easier and easier to slide across boundaries.  Following are six signs to watch out for.  If any of the following signs are characteristic of your behavior you could be entering very dangerous territory.

Sign #1

You find yourself sharing your personal life, especially information about your marriage or spouse, with your "friend."

Sign #2

You are spending more and more time with your colleague; more lunches, more drinks after work, etc. even if you don't have a project deadline.

Sign #3

You have suddenly stopped telling your spouse about your work lunches with your co-worker, or about the conversations you have with one another, you are beginning to create secrecy around your work relationship and this is a big red flag.  Examine honestly why you have stopped telling your spouse about your work relationship.

Sign #4

You have begun taking phone calls from or making phone calls to your colleague at home and are hiding these conversations from your spouse.

Sign #5

Your co-worker knows more about your spouse and your relationship than your spouse knows about your co-worker.

Sign #6

You respond to your spouses' recent inquiries and concerns about your relationship with your co-worker defensively with the repeated refrain, "don't be rediculous, we're just friends," trying to dismiss his/her concerns immediately.

I have listed these signs in order of increasing danger.  If you find any of these signs true for you, please look at yourself and your situation honestly.  The impact of an affair can be devastating and it can lingerfor a very long time, even for those couples who decide to stay together and work on their relationship.  If you are having trouble sorting out exactly how and what you feel and how to proceed, consider obtaining guidance from an objective professional.

Until next time....

wishing you your best relationship.