Marriage: A Connected Relationship

The other day I was reminded of a couple I was seeing in my office a few years ago.  They came in because they were very unsettled that they had gone away for a weekend get away together and they didn't have the loving and passionate weekend they thought they would.  There was a lot of disapointment, a lot of anxiety and a lot of fighting about it.  They are both very busy individuals, they were busy raising a couple of kids, and they had volunteer, church and social obligations in addition to their work and family obligations.  There was always so much to do that they believed they can only give each other what' was left over after all else was done.  Usually, that amounted to almost nothing.  So, aware they desperately needed to reconnect, they planned a weekend away together.  They made all the arrangements, arrived at their destination and found that their plan for reconnection didn't quite work the way they'd hoped.  They both expected that once they left town, away from all the pressures they would feel connected, loving, free, playful, even "in love."  Instead, they continued to feel disconnected and separate.  Yes, they were away from the pressures of home (now they had the pressure of feeling passion for one another), the pressures of family, the pressures of work, church, and social obligations but that wasn't enough to bring them together.

It can be lovely to get away for the weekend with a spouse to have some special time together, however, that only works if you are feeling connected already.  It is hard to suddenly feel connected with someone to whom you barely pay any attention.  What many people don't realize is that it is the small gestures that keep couples connected.  Small moments, consistently done, every day that keep your partner in your head and heart so that when you do go away from the weekend, go get away from the pressures you can experience the passion and love you are seeking.

These gestures are usually small and not time consuming but help keep out intentions focused on our partners, and certainly make our partners feel cared for.  For example, if you know your spouse has an important meeting at work, call before hand to wish them good luck.  If your spouse has a check-up at the doctor call afterward to see how it went.  Send a little note on a post-it in their briefcase.  Take the initiative to arrange for a babysitter.  Bring home your partner's favorite dessert for a special treat.  Send an e-mail during the day just to say "hi."  These may seem like small and meaningless things but it is actually these small actions that do more to sustain a relationship than every once in a while going away for a weekend.  Like I said, then when you do go away, you will have that connection and passion.  If you do the small gestures, you will also have more of a connection without the weekend.

Relationships are like gardens.  If you do not water them regularly and feed them they will die.  Think of the water as the small consistent daily gestures and the occasional fertilizing as the occasional weekend away.  Then see how your garden grows.

Until next time...

I wish you a happy relationship.