Beat the Marriage Odds

Great Marriages: Couple Time

A question I get asked often is, "How can we make our marriage/relationship better?"  Well, it takes a combination of things and the good news is most marriages already have many of those things.  Things like devotion, commitment, respect, honesty, caring, appreciation are among those things which make a marriage strong and healthy. 

What I have found with a lot of couples, whether they are couples who come to see me in my office or just friends and acquaintances, is that relatively few of them give themselves and each other the gift of "couple time." 

In this very hectic, fast-paced world we live in, with so many tasks on our to-do lists, and the kids, sometimes its our intimiate relationship that is the thing that gets put on hold.  Its so easy to take little pieces of time away from it in the beginning.  We figure just until this time crunch is over, but sometimes the time crunch just doesn't go away and we keep short changing our partners and our relaitonships.

Our relationships are like gardens.  If we don't water, nourish and weed them they wither.  When all the other pieces of a relationship are in place, they can begin to fade if there isn't energy put into keeping the connection alive and growing between the two of you.

Think back to how great it was when you were courting and you new you would have time to spend together.  Spending that much time just being together may not be realistic for you now but imagine how a quiet dinner out, a trip to the museum and lunch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, a playful date at the baseball game, a walk along the beach or a short nearby hike would feel.  It doesn't have to be a huge length of time and it doesn't have to be expensive, but it would help a great deal if it were consistent.

I recently spoke to a couple who had always had a good, solid marriage but lately they were feeling very distant, disconnected and in the details of the daily business and stress started becoming irritable with one another.  I helped them take an inventory of their schedules, how they spent their time and how much of it was devoted to each other.  The light dawned before I even had to say anything.  They immediately set up a plan to nurture and protect their "couple time."  Within weeks they felt they had reached the levels of caring and connectedness they shared before. 

This week, take an inventory of your schedule.  How much time do the two of you take for each other.  It really is a necessity and I encourage you to think of it as a gift.  One you are giving not only to your partner, but to your relationship and ultimately to yourself, as well.

Until next time....

I wish you loving relationships.

Creating A Successful Marriage: Affair Proof Your Relationship

I can't tell you how much damage an affair can do to a relationship.  Most of the couples I see in my office have struggled with the impact of an affair.  Seeing the pain affairs can cause up close over and over again, I want to shout out from the rooftops to anyone who will listen about how to affair proof your marriage.   I feel so passionate about this particularly because most of the couples I've worked with on affair recovery were not in bad marriages. Most of them were in marriages both partners described as good or happy. 

In today's world, most affairs begin at work with colleagues.  Typically, initially neither partner is looking for emotional or sexual contact, but rather, as their collegial relationship becomes more personal, their feelings of emotional intimacy grow and it becomes easier and easier to slide across boundaries.  Following are six signs to watch out for.  If any of the following signs are characteristic of your behavior you could be entering very dangerous territory.

Sign #1

You find yourself sharing your personal life, especially information about your marriage or spouse, with your "friend."

Sign #2

You are spending more and more time with your colleague; more lunches, more drinks after work, etc. even if you don't have a project deadline.

Sign #3

You have suddenly stopped telling your spouse about your work lunches with your co-worker, or about the conversations you have with one another, you are beginning to create secrecy around your work relationship and this is a big red flag.  Examine honestly why you have stopped telling your spouse about your work relationship.

Sign #4

You have begun taking phone calls from or making phone calls to your colleague at home and are hiding these conversations from your spouse.

Sign #5

Your co-worker knows more about your spouse and your relationship than your spouse knows about your co-worker.

Sign #6

You respond to your spouses' recent inquiries and concerns about your relationship with your co-worker defensively with the repeated refrain, "don't be rediculous, we're just friends," trying to dismiss his/her concerns immediately.

I have listed these signs in order of increasing danger.  If you find any of these signs true for you, please look at yourself and your situation honestly.  The impact of an affair can be devastating and it can lingerfor a very long time, even for those couples who decide to stay together and work on their relationship.  If you are having trouble sorting out exactly how and what you feel and how to proceed, consider obtaining guidance from an objective professional.

Until next time....

wishing you your best relationship.