Beat the Marriage Odds

Need Marriage Help? Too Much Fighting? A Great Strategy to Stop the Fight

Most couples I know rarely feel a resolution to their "issue" when they fight.  I hear most people describe their fights in the same way over and over.  Even if they are fighting about different things the description is usually the same.  It seems to go incircles.  The angry partner makes a complaint, the other person defends themselves trying to explain why either it's not a problem, that they didn't do "it", or why their partner is overreacting.  Or the person responds with, "well what about when you...."  Then this usually goes on for a while until things either get so heated that someone storms out or shuts down and acts like the proverbial brick wall.  Both people can end up feeling frustrated or worse.

Here is one of the best strategies I know to help shift this endless cycle.  LISTEN.  Really LISTEN to your partner when they have an issue.  I know, its hard, especially when it comes in the form of a comlaint.  It's only natural to want to defend yourself or shift to talking about your partner's transgressions but it is much better to avoid the temptation.  It usually isn't productive.  Remember, your partner's complaint is really a wish/desire/need in disguise.  Most of us are not taught to take stock of our needs and then express them in a way that gets them met.  We usually turn it into a complaint. 

When you resist the temptation to defend yourself and just open yourself to your partner's concerns you are less likely to go around in circles.  Do what you need to do inside your own head to get through this.  Say things to yourself like, "ok, this isn't really all about me, he's just trying to tell me what he needs," "I don't have to take this personally", "she's been under a lot of stress."  Also, make sure you are taking full breaths.  The breathing will help you stay calm. 

Ironically, when you don't defent or attack back your partner's criticism will probably be less intense.  One reason is when we defend, our partner doesn't feel like we heard them or "get it" so they keep finding different ways to say the same thing or louder and more obnoxious ways because they want us to listen.  After they've complained summarize back for them what they've said.  Even ask, "let me see if I got that?"  If you didn't they can restate it and then you ask them again. 

One of the reasons this can be hard is that we tend to think if we don't launch our own case, it means that we are agreeing with their grievance.  There is a huge difference between listening and letting your partner know that you heard them and are concerned they are upset and agreeing with their assessment.  You DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE.  Just listen and reflect.  Then, some of the anger and sting will melt from your partner and the two of you actually have a chance at discussing what can be done about it.

Until next time...

Wishing you a loving relationship.

Creating Great Relationships: Use Loving and Fun Surprises to Improve Your Marriage

Tired of all the "hard work" of making marriages work?  Bogged down by all the talking to create a healthy relationship?  Then I've got some good news for you.  Take a little break from all that and surprise your partner! 

It may sound a little too simple but little, or not so little, thoughtful surprises can shift some of the energy in your marriage to appreciation and connection.  Think about it, how would you feel if your beloved surprised you with little things you really liked, out of the blue, unexpected, from time to time?  You would probably feel appreciated for being you and appreciative, loved, noticed, cared for and maybe even a little cherished. 

It's a great perscription for giving a relationship a little energy.  These days, with so many to-do lists, multitasking, and the way we get caught up in the mundane details of daily living, what relationship couldn't use a little extra umph?  And, if your relationship has been in a bit of trouble, this strategy could be just what you need to begin to disrupt the negative patterns between you and your mate.

Here's the way to do it.  Notice what your partner likes.  For example, if your partner mentions how much she'd like a massage, get her a gift certificate for one.  If you are out together and your wife stops to ogle a particular pair of shoes she loves but shrugs and moves on, go back later and get her the shoes.  If your husband mentions a new electronic gadget he's like and he's not likely to get it for himself, get it for him. 

Here is part of the trick that makes this really successful, though.  Don't give your partner the surprise right away.  Instead, wait about a month and then give it to him or her.  He or she will have probably forgotten they ever mentioned it to you and will likely melt just thinking that you went out of your way to remember and take the time to go get it.  Give a surprise to your mate about once a month.  It doesn't have to be a big purchase.  Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

If you are not sure what kind of surprise your partner would like, ask him or her.  Ask your partner to write a list of about a dozen things to surprise them with.   "Won't that ruin the surprise, though?" you are asking yourself.  They will most likely forget after a while that you asked them.  They may vaguely remember the first month you give the surprise but they will soon forget what they put on the list.  And, if you ask them for a dozen then you have a whole year's worth of surprises. 

I have never seen this technique fail.  Every single couple to whom I have suggested this, as later told me that they received such great responses the first time they did it that that was enough motivation to continue to do for the rest of the year. Whether they were in healthy marriages but they wanted a more connected and passionate relationship or they were in troubled marriages,  this technique was helpful in restoring them to a more passionate relationship.

Until next time...

wishing you loving and fun relationships