Need Marriage Help? Too Much Fighting? A Great Strategy to Stop the Fight

Most couples I know rarely feel a resolution to their "issue" when they fight.  I hear most people describe their fights in the same way over and over.  Even if they are fighting about different things the description is usually the same.  It seems to go incircles.  The angry partner makes a complaint, the other person defends themselves trying to explain why either it's not a problem, that they didn't do "it", or why their partner is overreacting.  Or the person responds with, "well what about when you...."  Then this usually goes on for a while until things either get so heated that someone storms out or shuts down and acts like the proverbial brick wall.  Both people can end up feeling frustrated or worse.

Here is one of the best strategies I know to help shift this endless cycle.  LISTEN.  Really LISTEN to your partner when they have an issue.  I know, its hard, especially when it comes in the form of a comlaint.  It's only natural to want to defend yourself or shift to talking about your partner's transgressions but it is much better to avoid the temptation.  It usually isn't productive.  Remember, your partner's complaint is really a wish/desire/need in disguise.  Most of us are not taught to take stock of our needs and then express them in a way that gets them met.  We usually turn it into a complaint. 

When you resist the temptation to defend yourself and just open yourself to your partner's concerns you are less likely to go around in circles.  Do what you need to do inside your own head to get through this.  Say things to yourself like, "ok, this isn't really all about me, he's just trying to tell me what he needs," "I don't have to take this personally", "she's been under a lot of stress."  Also, make sure you are taking full breaths.  The breathing will help you stay calm. 

Ironically, when you don't defent or attack back your partner's criticism will probably be less intense.  One reason is when we defend, our partner doesn't feel like we heard them or "get it" so they keep finding different ways to say the same thing or louder and more obnoxious ways because they want us to listen.  After they've complained summarize back for them what they've said.  Even ask, "let me see if I got that?"  If you didn't they can restate it and then you ask them again. 

One of the reasons this can be hard is that we tend to think if we don't launch our own case, it means that we are agreeing with their grievance.  There is a huge difference between listening and letting your partner know that you heard them and are concerned they are upset and agreeing with their assessment.  You DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE.  Just listen and reflect.  Then, some of the anger and sting will melt from your partner and the two of you actually have a chance at discussing what can be done about it.

Until next time...

Wishing you a loving relationship.