Probably the most fundamental and basic challenge of relaionships is how to balance each partner's need for intimacy and connection and with their time for being separate.  As clinical psychologist John Welwood writes in his book Journey of the Heart, a relationship "rather than being just a form of togetherness, is a ceaseless flowing back and forth between joining and separating."  In other words, how to be intimate without losing yourself. 

However, each partner has their own rhythms and preferences about when, how and how much contact and connection.  It is not too often in a relationships that partners are in sync about this.  And, it is one of those unsolveable problems.  You know, one of those issues you have with your mate that you feel like you just go round and round about never reaching a solution.  But, while it is unsolvable that does not mean it can't be worked with and on.  First, it is important to realize that this is true in all relationships though to lesser or greater degrees depending on the two people in the relationship.  Second, remember that it doesn't have to mean that you are with the wrong person.  You would probably have this struggle with anyone in a longterm relationship.  Now, let's talk about a couple of things you and your partner can do to get a little more awareness about this area of your relationship and things you can do to start to make this area of our relationship feel better.

Each take your appointment calendars and keep a sort of a log for one month.  Each day of the month jot down whether you feel close or distant to your partner and any reasons you think this might be.  For example, "Had a hard day at work, boss was on my back. Wanted to come home and be alone to recoup."  Maybe the other partner for the same day writes, "Had a good day at work, so I was relaxed, felt like being close."  Do this for each day.  There will be days where one of you wants to feel close and the other wants distance, days where it will be reversed, and days where you will both feel close or both feel distant.  Remeber do not use words that make a judgement about your partners rhythm.  Just observe and notice don't judge.

Next, after the end of the month, both of you sit down and read each others notes.  Look for patterns.  See if certain events seem to lead to your feeling close or distant.  Talk about what you see and what you are learning about your own patterns and each others.  Remember not to be judgemental or accusatory.  This may be tempting to do because if this has been going on for a while there may be old hurts and resentments about the lack of connection or lack of space you feel.  Accusing will only make things worse so remember to breath, stay calm and undertake the discussion in the spirit of curiousity, trying to understand, and teamwork.  What works best for the team in this case, will work best for you.

Then, sit down with a calendar for the upcoming month and look at which days, based on your appointments, you might be especially in sync or especially out of sync.  If there are big meetings at work that tend to be followed by a need for distance or closeness for one of you, note that and be aware of each other's needs.  If you noticed on the previous calendar that there are times that both of you tend to want to be close then take note and plan for those in the upcoming month.   On the calendar also write down any information that might effect your rhythms together like big projects for work, kids school or social schedules, etc.

Look at the calendar daily.  It can be help make you more aware of yours and your partners needs and can remind you that compromising on this stuff once in a while will help create more harmony in your relationship.

Until next time...

Love Your Love Relationship,

Barbara