Beat the Marriage Odds

Your Relationship: Keeping it Positive

How often do you stop to think about the qualities that first drew you to your mate?  When was the last time you thought about those dreamy eyes?  How often to you stop to appreciate his/her fabulous sense of humor? Or, that passion for justice? That incredible sense of integrity that makes you so proud? 

When we are deluged by the details of mundane daily life we can forget about those qualities that at one time used to captivate us.  If you are like many couples you don't often think of these things anymore.  If you do its probably fleeting or during an extraordinary moment when you go, "oh, yeah."  Do an experiment.  Take a few minutes to sit alone, uninterrupted.  Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and recall moments from early in your relationship when you were courting.  Go back to some of those moments in a very specific way.  Visualize some of the moments you shared.  Think about where you were, what was going on, what you were doing, what you were saying to each other and recall how you felt about any of those great qualities your partner possessed at that moment.  To make the visualization more powerful, instead of your seeing it as if you are watching it in front of you like a movie, put yourself in the middle of the scene.  Think of it as surroundsound, if you will.  It's not going on in front of you but all around you.  After a few minutes focusing on a few scenes notice how you feel about your partner and those qualities.  Use this opportunity to enhance your positive and loving feelings toward your partner.  If the two of you have been having a rough time lately, use this exercise to help you shift to a more positive frame of mind.  Once there, let more positive and loving behaviors flow from those thoughts and feelings. 

Until next time....

I wish you a happy relationship.

Marriage: A Connected Relationship

The other day I was reminded of a couple I was seeing in my office a few years ago.  They came in because they were very unsettled that they had gone away for a weekend get away together and they didn't have the loving and passionate weekend they thought they would.  There was a lot of disapointment, a lot of anxiety and a lot of fighting about it.  They are both very busy individuals, they were busy raising a couple of kids, and they had volunteer, church and social obligations in addition to their work and family obligations.  There was always so much to do that they believed they can only give each other what' was left over after all else was done.  Usually, that amounted to almost nothing.  So, aware they desperately needed to reconnect, they planned a weekend away together.  They made all the arrangements, arrived at their destination and found that their plan for reconnection didn't quite work the way they'd hoped.  They both expected that once they left town, away from all the pressures they would feel connected, loving, free, playful, even "in love."  Instead, they continued to feel disconnected and separate.  Yes, they were away from the pressures of home (now they had the pressure of feeling passion for one another), the pressures of family, the pressures of work, church, and social obligations but that wasn't enough to bring them together.

It can be lovely to get away for the weekend with a spouse to have some special time together, however, that only works if you are feeling connected already.  It is hard to suddenly feel connected with someone to whom you barely pay any attention.  What many people don't realize is that it is the small gestures that keep couples connected.  Small moments, consistently done, every day that keep your partner in your head and heart so that when you do go away from the weekend, go get away from the pressures you can experience the passion and love you are seeking.

These gestures are usually small and not time consuming but help keep out intentions focused on our partners, and certainly make our partners feel cared for.  For example, if you know your spouse has an important meeting at work, call before hand to wish them good luck.  If your spouse has a check-up at the doctor call afterward to see how it went.  Send a little note on a post-it in their briefcase.  Take the initiative to arrange for a babysitter.  Bring home your partner's favorite dessert for a special treat.  Send an e-mail during the day just to say "hi."  These may seem like small and meaningless things but it is actually these small actions that do more to sustain a relationship than every once in a while going away for a weekend.  Like I said, then when you do go away, you will have that connection and passion.  If you do the small gestures, you will also have more of a connection without the weekend.

Relationships are like gardens.  If you do not water them regularly and feed them they will die.  Think of the water as the small consistent daily gestures and the occasional fertilizing as the occasional weekend away.  Then see how your garden grows.

Until next time...

I wish you a happy relationship.

   

Marriage: Safeguard Yours From Destructive Fights

The other day I was sitting at the car wash waiting for my car to be returned when I couldn't help but overhear the couple sitting behind me fighting.  I couldn't help but overhear, not because it was so loud and the yelling was overhwleming.  It really wasn't loud at all.  It was the tone of the fight that was so hard to tune out.  Even though their voices were at a normal sound level, it was what they were saying to each other. They never called each other a single name in the time I was sitting there.  But, sarcasm and contempt were dripping from almost every word.  This couple was in their early thirties and I couldn't tell how long they had been together but if this fight is typical of the way they handle disagreements I would be very concerned for the future of their relationship. 

Fights are pretty invevitable for most couples.   When you are intimately involved with someone, a lot of your dreams, hopes, expectations, and needs get wrapped up in what they do.  When we feel they let us down we can get hurt and often angry.  However, many fights people have are unproductive and sometimes they are even destructive like the one I witnessed last weekend.  A pattern of unproductive and DESTRUCTIVE fights can tear at the fabric of any relationship.  Eventually, enough good will and positive feelings are eroded, the relatioship and the partners feel emotiolly shreded and the relationship ends.

Sarcasm and contempt are very real culprits which make fighting destructive.  There are plenty of others, such as yelling, name calling, swearing, or stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to respond).  Some of these are more obviously destructive than others.  Even things most of us do during our fights, such as blaming (directly), "you're the one who forgot to mail in the check," or (indirectly), "don't you think you should keep a to do list so you won't forget these things in the future?" (this one is also sarcastic and condescending while masquerading as a "helpful suggestion"), contribute to a slow eroding of good will in the relationship.   

The good news is fighting/conflict doesn't have to be destructive.   There are ways to safeguard your marriage/relationship against both destructive fighting and its consequences.  Following the these tips to "Safeguarding Your Relationship from Destructive Fighting" can help you stop the erosion of your relationship.

1.  Avoid the obvious destructive habits:  yelling, name calling, swearing.

2.  Talk about yourself.  Instead of blaming and starting your sentences with, "YOU," start your sentences with , "I."  "I was really disappointed when you came home two hours late yesterday and didn't call to let me know.  The special dinner I made for us was ruined,"  instead of, "You ruined our special dinner together."

3.  Avoid judgements.  Comments like, "You are so insensitive, you ruined our special dinner," will only lead to defensive retorts by your partner.

4.  Decrease defensiveness.  Focusing on your thoughts and feelings about the situation will lead to less defensiveness on your partner's part than if you list a number of his/her transgressions. 

5.  Avoid sarcasm and condescension.  These comments are so desructive and really communicate contempt.  How can anyone want to engage in a discussusion with someone who is showing contempt for them. 

6.  Be curious.  If your partner is telling you what they're upset about, don't get defensive, take a deep breath, manage your own feelings and approach your partner with curiousity and a real desire to understand what is going on for them.  Ask questions that are in the true spirit of inquiry, like a reporter trying to get the facts and nuances of a good story. 

7. Keep it to one topic. Arguments, disagreements, fights often get nowhere because new ammunition and new issues are brought up.  You're arguing over one of you not taking the trash out and then in defense you respond with, "well, what about the time you didn't ....."  That's a new subject.  Engaging in this will ensure nothing is ever resolved. 

8.  Take a time-out.  If it is getting heated and one or both of you are having a tough time managing yourselves, call a time-out.  This gives you both a chance to calm down (it takes at least 20 minutes to go from an emotional state back to being calm), collect your thoughts, and think of ways to approach the subject that are less inflammatory.  When calling a time-out make sure you both agree to a time to revisit the discussion.  Then, make sure you come back together at the agreed upon time.  If it is still too soon for one of you then request an extension of the time-out.  The one who calls the time out should be the one to reinitiate the conversation when the time-out is over.  If they don't there partner will simply think that the time-out was called ot avoid the discussion at all.  This is especially true if one partner has more difficulty facing a fight or tough issues than the other.  One will end up feeling abandoned, adding to the negative feelings and adding fuel to the next fight. 

Try these techniques and improve the way you fight.

Until next time....

I wish you continued love in your relationship.

Marriages Need Kindness

Not too long ago I was on the Outer Banks of North Carolina as one of a group of 22 family members ranging in age from 4 years to 69 years old gathered for a week to celebrate the 50th anniversary of my husband's parents.  Wow! 50 very solid and by all accounts happy years.  Because this was such a landmark occasion, that week imparticular, I was thinking about marriages, relationships, what makes some work, what makes some weather the inevitable storms in any longterm intimate relationship?  What really caught my attention, as I pondered these questions all week long, was the kindness my in-laws show toward one another.  Sometimes in very small ways and sometimes in larger ways they are so kind to one another.  As I watched them  interact, I started contemplating past visits with them and realizerd they always have behaved this way with one another, consistently over the 20 years I have known them.  It wasn't just because this was the occasion of their 50th anniversary, this was the norm.  There are numerous ways in which they express kindness toward one another.  This may not seem so difficult, yet for many couples I know it is often a struggle for partner's to show that kind of kindness.

What I find just as striking is, even in those moments when they are not particularly happy with one another, and all couples have those moments, they are able to show each other respect and consideration amidst their disagreement and conflict.  As I've watched them I've seen that they are in no way being fake with one another.  They simply insist on acting with integrity toward one another and integrity about who they aspire to be in their relationship.  Clearly they have figured out who they need to be to be the best and most effective relationship partner they can and they have managed to execute it brilliantly.

Who do you aspire to be in your relationship?  What are the characteristics of the partner you want to be to your spouse?  Figure that out, be that partner and pave the way to your own 50 year long love affair.

Until next time....

Three Simple Questions

What would you say if I told you you could begin to improve your relationship by asking yourself just three simple questions?  It might sound a little rediculous, I know, but it is true.  By asking yourself these three simple questions each day you can begin to set your relationship on a new path.  Here are the three questions that Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader of The Couple's Institute recommend asking yourself each day:

1. What is important to my partner (in terms of the relationship)?
2. Why is it important to my partner?
3. What am I going to do about it today?

The first question focuses your mind, heart and intention on your partner and what they want, desire or need in the relationship.  These are usually not huge things, either.  You probably know what they are, if you are not sure, ask yourself what it is that your partner complains that they want from you that you don't do or give them.  For instance, it might be really important to your partner to hear "I love you," regularly.  For some people it may feel loving to be given a little uninterrupted time to unwind after a hectic day at work.  Others might feel very taken care of if you remember to enter the checks in the register each time.  And someone else might just melt if you took the time to really look into your partner's eyes from time to time.  And, still for someone else, it's amazing how far just putting your laundry directly into the hamper will go.  If you are still uncertain what these things might be then take a few minutes to ask your partner.

The second question helps you understand the reason for the request.  When we develop our understanding of our partner and their hidden wounds, desires and hopes which fuel these requests and wants we not only feel closer to them, we have more compassion for their point of view/desire.  When we feel more compassion we are usually automatically more motivated to provide those things for them.

The third question doesn't really need any explanation.  If your relationship is lacking these kinds of actions on a regular basis, then you will be taking a huge step in turning the tone of your relationship around and setting it on a new path.  Imagine what it would feel like if your partner suddenly started doing things in your relationship that are really important to you?  The things that make you feel appreciated, heard, seen, maybe even a little cherished?  If you are like most people, you would begin to feel more generous toward your partner, as well.  Then you would probably begin doing some of the things that your partner would love.  Then, you might find yourselves in a cycle of positive and loving behavior. 

What if your relationship isn't lacking these types of interactions but they aren't as regular as they could be?  If you are like most people, life is busy and often full of daily stress and tedious tasks to attend to.  You may be too tired or distracted to remember the small things which your partner loves and which help the two of you to stay connected.  Stopping each morning to ask yourself these three questions can be the reminder to help you focus on your partner for just a few minutes.  You can begin to make the bond between you even deeper than it may already be.

Until next time....

I wish you continued love in your relationship.